What You Need To Know

If you were thinking of having kids and wanted my advice on the matter I’d simply say: Don’t do it.

Asked and answered. You’re welcome.

Kids are a handful. Most of the time they’re two hands full which is why I’m thankful to have a partner that helps make light work of the heavy, but imagine not having that. Imagine being on your own – or worse: having a partner that’s physically present but wants to be anywhere else at every given moment.

If you couldn’t raise and care for them on your own my advice is not to do it at all.

Now, if you have a partner that’s as committed to raising little humans and protecting them from themselves and ok with sleep deprivation and caffeine dependency as you are, I’d still say don’t do it, but there’s really another conversation to be had.

In this case you’re likely smarter than the previous example, you’ve got a partner you’ve already worked through rough spots with. You’ve made tough choices and come out the other side better for it.

You’re more weathered than most and you and your partner are serious about being good parents.

You’re in it for the long haul.

If you’re that type of person you’re way past asking for advice on whether or not to have kids. You’re asking for qualities and character traits you should have, discipline decisions, feeding and sleep schedules.

You’d ask something like: What have you learned from all of your time as a father?

Fatherhood has taught me that it doesn’t matter what good qualities you have or how nice to your kids you can be, how much you treat your daughters like princesses and make them your whole world or how often you wrestle with your sons – if you’re not actively being the person you want them to grow into right now you are already behind.

You can tell your daughter every day to look at people when she talks to them, but if she doesn’t see you doing it she’s got nothing to follow.

Listen before you speak.

Say please and thank you.

Wait for an answer.

Want to know what the only cardinal rule of good parenting actually is?

You can’t hold your kid to a standard you don’t demand of yourself.

End of story.

I heard a lot of people tell me being a dad was a big responsibility. I had people tell me I’ll be great at it – One profoundly stupid individual even said it was the easiest thing he’s ever done.

Another rule of good parenting:

If it’s easy – you’re not doing something right.

Every day I learn something new about this crazy ride I wanted to take and every day I see how wise or how utterly clueless those soothsayers actually were.

I asked anybody that would answer me all the same questions:

Is there any wisdom you could pass on to me?

What do you wish you knew when your kids were small?

What would you do differently if you had the chance?

I got good feedback from all of these people but what I realized too late was that none of it mattered.

Advice you get from someone else is framed specifically from their experience. An experience you may share on the surface level of both being parents, but your mindset, goals for life, desire, expectations and future concerns have to be in the same ball park or whatever they tell you is going to have literally no bearing on what you do.

None.

There’s another thing about parenting that nobody tells you. It’s not really their fault because it’s not something you realize that you know until you talk with someone who doesn’t:

No advice is going to be perfect for you and your kid.

Sure, you’ll find a lot of nuggets along the way; helpful proverbs and words of encouragement, maybe some unsolicited advice that was exactly what you needed at that moment - but every day you’re writing your own guide to this thing and it’s not something anybody else can write for you. Most of them can’t even help you write it.

Truth is, your kids will hear some of what you say, but they’ll see everything you do.

What will have a bigger impact on them?

You want good advice from somebody who asked for all the advice and figured out who was full of shit and who wasn’t?

Here it is:

Figure out what example you want them to follow, what decisions you want them to make, how much thought they should put into their words and how they treat other people and then be that person.

If you’re not ready to demand that much of yourself, being a parent isn’t for you.

And for the love of God be patient.

Not everything they say needs a response.